Have you ever fallen into the trap where someone is complaining about a problem or recounting an unpleasant experience. Then you offer advice and you realize they didn’t want any in the first place.
We’ve all been there. Someone starts venting their frustrations. Before we even think about it, we’re already offering solutions. What if there was a better way to handle these moments?
My cousin recently shared a genius idea. Before jumping in with advice or problem-solving ask a question first. “Would you like a suggestion, or are you just letting your thoughts out?”
We’ve also all been on the receiving end of unwanted advice. A parent, a spouse, a coworker—someone who means well. They just know they have the perfect solution for your problem.
When someone called me out on doing this, I searched online and came across a hilarious example. It’s a video called It’s Not About the Nail. A woman has a nail sticking out of her head and puts on a sweater. She gets upset because it tears. Her partner tells her that if she takes the nail out of her head, her sweaters won’t rip. (Which, to be fair, is the best reason not to leave nails in your head.) But she isn’t looking for a solution. She just wants to vent about her torn sweater.
If you are a sane person, it’s hard to grasp how that is possible in such a blatant example. Stop for a minute. Think about times in your day when people offer you advice you didn’t ask for. Did you come up with 2, 8, 142 examples?
Now, let’s go back to our couple. The guy could say something like, “I have had that experience when there was a nail in my head. Would you like to hear how I handled it?” If she says yes, he can share his wisdom and solve the problem. If she says no, he can just listen. Though, at that point, he might feel like he has a nail in his head from holding back his advice. But at least he is being an empathetic listener, giving her space to express her feelings.
Something similar happened to me this past week. I had already thought about writing this communication topic. Then, as if by magic, I experienced it firsthand.
There is someone I know who is notorious for giving unsolicited advice, opinions, and orders. More than 142 times a day. It’s frustrating to constantly have commands and opinions thrown at me. (I will cut to the chase instead of sounding like nail-in-the-head lady.)
This person saw me dealing with a minor inconvenience. Instead of offering an order or a judgment, they asked if I wanted their help. They didn’t try to fix it for me or push their way in. They simply gave me the space to handle it on my own. I said no, because I knew the issue would resolve itself in a few minutes. And it did.
At the time, I didn’t realize what a monumental shift this was. Later that night, it hit me. This person offered help but didn’t force their way in to solve the problem. I am ecstatic at this shift in behavior and communication. I’m also in awe of the universe for bringing it about right after choosing this as a blog post topic. Did I open a pathway?
Talk about experiencing Possibility and Light in action!
Now the challenge is noticing when I’m offering ‘help.’ I want to allow others to be heard. That includes the people I have, let’s say, enthusiastically guided in the past.
Possibility & Light 